At some point in the middle of the night, you start to wonder what would happen if you stay up until after dawn. The fact that everyone else is asleep; unless they work nights, or can’t sleep, or have young babies, becomes attractive. You think about the many, different people in the world who are awake at the same time as you. In New Zealand, they’re awake and having a lovely day. It isn’t winter there.
I used to love drinking until the sun came up. I did it many times with many people. I used to love the cold air coming through the open window as I smoked and we talked about why we should all be somewhere else. Sleeping, waking up in our own beds, getting up for lectures… I think I miss those times.
I know it isn’t healthy to stay up so late that it becomes the next day. I know this won’t be helping my recovery. But there’s something so freeing in knowing that you have the control over your life that means you don’t have to go to bed when anyone else tells you to.
I am documenting this because I promised, at the start of this blog, to never edit myself: to always tell the truth. I want to stay up to dawn so I can sleep all day tomorrow. I don’t know why that’s important. Maybe it’s sabotage, maybe it’s self-preservation, maybe it’s the wine.
I wish there were some easy answers.