It’s no secret that God and I haven’t been all that close in recent years. I think we had a series of misunderstandings that led to me packing the whole thing in. And yet, I’m beginning to suspect – as many have before me – that He’s kinda been there waiting the whole time.
I was talking to the BFF the other day, and was reminded anew of what a blessing she is in my life. “I have an image in my head” she said, “of you, sitting in the palm of God’s hand. You’ve spent the last few years desperating struggling against him. Trying to jump off. Trying to struggle free. And all the time He’s just been smiling and keeping you close”. It’s a beautiful image, and one that really spoke to me.
I guess I did with Religion what I often do. I wanted it to be perfect. I tried to learn all about it. But Faith isn’t like any other academic subject. It isn’t academic at all. The more I learned about the Bible and about the Church, the less it all made sense. I had all the answers, but I wasn’t asking any of the right questions. “I know you’ve already been saved” said the BFF, “So I don’t worry about you”. There’s a lot there that I should listen to. I have been struggling to get along in life for so long, when really I just needed to sit back and remember that I’ve already sorted the most important thing in life. I’ve already met God. I can rest, now.
Which doesn’t mean I’ll be going back to Church. I think I’m still a long way from finding that useful. But I am reading a book, which my LittleSis bought me for my birthday. “Divine Nobodies: Shredding Religion to find God”. It’s about a minister of a Church who burns out. He loses the love of Religion. He learns to find God in the little people again. In the little things. I’m not a fan of religion (despite teaching about it three days a week), but I might just be able to find a way to be a fan of God, again. In the end, wasn’t it Jesus who spurned the Pharisees and spoke out against ritual and the like taking over from a real relationship with God? I think, for a little while at least, God won’t be too cross if I don’t try and join in at the local Sung Eucharist on a Sunday… although my Earthly Father might have something to say about it.